Manager vs. Teacher

Ok, so I figure that the family blog has gotten more than enough of my ambivalence about homeschooling vs. public schooling, so I thought I'd share some of my angsty decision making over here.  This is something that is almost constantly on my mind and I go back and forth about it a lot.  I'm not making any final decisions until next year, maybe not even till summer, but the other day I was thinking about it and it came to me that even if Jovi was in public school I wouldn't be giving up the job of making sure she was educated.  It's a job that is mine by divine right and something I don't want to give up.  The decision is more in the nature of who I would be in the educational process.  Am I going to be the teacher or am I going to be the manager of my children's education?  I can see pros and cons to each (which is why I can't decide).

Homeschooling Pros:
Being the teacher allows me to control content and speed of my children's learning.  Everything can be tailored to my children.  We can spend more time on personal interests or areas that need work and go faster through things that aren't as interesting or are easily mastered.  I LOVE that aspect because you certainly don't get personalized curriculum in public school.  We are not tied to a schedule, we can go on field trips and vacations whenever we want.  School doesn't have to stop if my kids get sick.  Hopefully that won't be an issue either way, but if I have sickly children home school will definitely allow for greater continuity.  One of the greatest things I think it can do is create a family culture of learning and togetherness.  There would be a lot less focus on peers and more on family.
Homeschooling Cons:
The biggest one for me is that it is A LOT of work planning and preparing the lessons, making sure we don't leave out some important thing that should be learned.  It also takes a decent amount of money (most people say it is similar to what you spend on activities and fundraisers that come up with public school, but I have no way of personally verifying this) to buy quality curriculum, books and pay for field trips and all the other things you need for school.  Another thing to think about (not sure if it is a true con) is that my children wouldn't share a unifying experience with the vast majority of other American children.  I'm not worried about the "socialization" aspect of homeschooling.  With so many homeschooling co-ops available (we are part of one this year), church, sports and other extra curricular classes there are lots of opportunities for socialization and making friends.

Public School Pros:
Being the manager of my children's education would allow me to focus on helping them excel.  I could do fun after school projects with them without worrying about the basics.  I could help them improve talents and pursue interests that I might not have energy for otherwise.  I could focus on any children still at home instead of focusing on the school age kids.  Once all my kids were in school, I would certainly have more me time and I could possibly get a job or go back to school for a graduate degree.  I think my children would like being surrounded by peers every day (although, depending on the peers, this can be a huge con too).  There is a greater chance for academic awards and recognition in public school but also a greater chance for failure.
Public School Cons:
My children will not get very much personal attention, no child can in a classroom with 20+ kids and one teacher.  They will have to learn to navigate social peer groups who may or may not like them.  This could be a pro, but since social skills are not taught, it is a sink or swim situation and for those kids who sink it can be intensely painful (see below post).  They may be bored, unchallenged or feel unsuccessful, feelings that are much less likely to occur in a one on one tutoring situation.  We will be stuck with a school schedule, waking up when they say, taking vacations when they say, etc.  I will miss my kids, I know we will get used to it, but I don't know that is such a good thing.  Of course, I want my kids to become independent, but I don't feel that being gone for 3/4 of the day in elementary school is an especially good thing. 

Sometimes I feel that I am leaning towards homeschooling and at other times I think that public school would be the best choice for our family.  I just don't know.

Issues

I have issues. I think everyone has issues, some have them under better control than others. I was confronted with one of my issues tonight and I am sure it will come up again and again and I really need to control it or come to terms with it or something, but I don't know how.

I was never well liked as a child. I was blessed with a best friend, someone I grew up with since I was three years old and there were several times that without her I might have been friendless. I was often bullied and made fun of in and out of school.  I admit that this was not only the cruelty of children (although children can be terribly cruel), I was socially awkward and slightly immature. I remember at around twelve years old a specific incident of feeling really hyper and thinking, "Man, I am acting really annoying.", but I felt powerless to control it. It wasn't till late high school that I felt I at least got my annoyingness under control. I still feel socially awkward even now, but I digress.  I remember so many times hearing classmates or teammates (I played soccer up into high school) talking about parties and get togethers that I was never invited to.  They didn't like me.  They didn't want me around when they had an actual choice about it, and I remember feeling so hurt and helpless to change the situation.  Well, I grew up and moved on.  I feel I have some good friends in my life and do my best in new social situations, at least I don't feel I embarrass myself.  I thought I had put the past behind me, but...

A few nights ago, at Jovi's soccer practice some of the moms were talking about a birthday party of one of the teammates that apparently several of the other girls were invited to, but Jovi had not been invited.  Since we moved last year, I have been in a handful of situations where people around me talk about parties of some sort that I or my children were not invited to, but could have been since we knew the person hosting the event.  The slights to me (I'm sure they all were unintentional) were easily forgiven and forgotten, the slights to my children less so, but we are new in the area and a few group play dates doesn't make everyone friends, I understand that.  But that night I had such an intense visceral reaction to realizing the slight to Jovi, it brought back memories from childhood that I thought I had left far behind.  Jovi didn't know about it and probably wouldn't have cared even if she did, but I just wanted to leave that soccer team that obviously didn't appreciate my wonderful daughter and keep her safe and happy from all social slights, current and future.  I actually felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of what she might have to endure in the future in regards to social situations, friendships and lack of friends.  I have noticed that Jovi is excellent at making friends one on one, but is not so good at getting along with groups.  I know that without my own history, I wouldn't be very worried about this at all, I mean, she IS only 5 and she does have friends. 

This is not a Jovi problem, this is a ME problem and I'm afraid it will only get worse as my children get older.  I thought I had dealt with this, and truly, what happened to me as a child doesn't bother me anymore.  But the thought of watching my children go through something similar... I can barely stand just the thought.  The worst part is that I KNOW that it's going to happen, not the bullying, but the small but hurtful social slights are just part of life.  No one gets invited to everything, no one can be best friends with everyone.  I honestly don't know what to do about it except never act on an emotional reaction, at least not right away.