Issues

I have issues. I think everyone has issues, some have them under better control than others. I was confronted with one of my issues tonight and I am sure it will come up again and again and I really need to control it or come to terms with it or something, but I don't know how.

I was never well liked as a child. I was blessed with a best friend, someone I grew up with since I was three years old and there were several times that without her I might have been friendless. I was often bullied and made fun of in and out of school.  I admit that this was not only the cruelty of children (although children can be terribly cruel), I was socially awkward and slightly immature. I remember at around twelve years old a specific incident of feeling really hyper and thinking, "Man, I am acting really annoying.", but I felt powerless to control it. It wasn't till late high school that I felt I at least got my annoyingness under control. I still feel socially awkward even now, but I digress.  I remember so many times hearing classmates or teammates (I played soccer up into high school) talking about parties and get togethers that I was never invited to.  They didn't like me.  They didn't want me around when they had an actual choice about it, and I remember feeling so hurt and helpless to change the situation.  Well, I grew up and moved on.  I feel I have some good friends in my life and do my best in new social situations, at least I don't feel I embarrass myself.  I thought I had put the past behind me, but...

A few nights ago, at Jovi's soccer practice some of the moms were talking about a birthday party of one of the teammates that apparently several of the other girls were invited to, but Jovi had not been invited.  Since we moved last year, I have been in a handful of situations where people around me talk about parties of some sort that I or my children were not invited to, but could have been since we knew the person hosting the event.  The slights to me (I'm sure they all were unintentional) were easily forgiven and forgotten, the slights to my children less so, but we are new in the area and a few group play dates doesn't make everyone friends, I understand that.  But that night I had such an intense visceral reaction to realizing the slight to Jovi, it brought back memories from childhood that I thought I had left far behind.  Jovi didn't know about it and probably wouldn't have cared even if she did, but I just wanted to leave that soccer team that obviously didn't appreciate my wonderful daughter and keep her safe and happy from all social slights, current and future.  I actually felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of what she might have to endure in the future in regards to social situations, friendships and lack of friends.  I have noticed that Jovi is excellent at making friends one on one, but is not so good at getting along with groups.  I know that without my own history, I wouldn't be very worried about this at all, I mean, she IS only 5 and she does have friends. 

This is not a Jovi problem, this is a ME problem and I'm afraid it will only get worse as my children get older.  I thought I had dealt with this, and truly, what happened to me as a child doesn't bother me anymore.  But the thought of watching my children go through something similar... I can barely stand just the thought.  The worst part is that I KNOW that it's going to happen, not the bullying, but the small but hurtful social slights are just part of life.  No one gets invited to everything, no one can be best friends with everyone.  I honestly don't know what to do about it except never act on an emotional reaction, at least not right away.