The Will

There are lots of educational schools of thought out there and over the past year I have read books about a few (truly only a small smattering) of them.  Most recently I have been reading about Charlotte Mason.  If you start reading about homeschooling you will eventually hear about Charlotte Mason.  She was an educator in England in the late 1800s and wrote a series of 7 books for parents of that time on her methods of education and child training.  She has an extremely large following in the homeschool community and I am beginning to understand why.

Unfortunately I have only read small amounts of the "source material" because I keep having to recheck them from the library.  I love Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, I don't find reading their books difficult and have read their novels several times, but I find Charlotte Mason's books challenging.  Reading nonfiction with great depth in that language style is SLOW going for me and they are always on hold so I only have two weeks to read any one of the 7 books she wrote and then I never know when I'll get to check them out again.  Couple that with the fact that I wasn't sure that the effort was worth it and I'm sure you can understand why I've only read a small amount of her books. 

I am not the only one who finds her books challenging and there are several books about her books and methods and decided to check out those books through interlibrary loan.  While waiting for those books to come in, I went to a homeschooling conference in the area and went to a workshop on Charlotte Mason's habit training.  Both Juan and I were impressed with what we heard, so I was very excited when the interlibrary loan books started to come in.  The first book I read was For the Children's Sake: Foundations of Education for Home and School.  I liked what I read and agreed with most of it.  The second book I am currently reading is A Charlotte Mason Companion: Personal Reflections on the Gentle Art of Learning and I plan on buying the book.  The chapter that made me want to own it was chapter 10, the way of the will.  

According to Karen Andreola, the author, Charlotte Mason spoke of will training.  The will is the power of the self to choose and not just to go along with what is easy.  It is the combination of the ability to delay gratification and focus on goals along with a knowledge of self and the virtues we choose to make part of our character.  We hear about will power in relation to exercise and diet, but will power relates to all parts of our lives.  It is what makes us consistent with our goals until they become habit.  

In reading this enlightening chapter I have come to realize that many of the things I frustrate myself with is due to the fact that I have a weak will.  I often think to myself , "Why can't I just start this one thing.  I know it will help me.  I want to do it.  Why can't I seem to actually DO it?"  It is because I lack the will.  I often start things I know will be good for me and my family, but am not consistent with them.  My will is weak.  The immediate situation and how I'm feeling too often override my will.  I don't like conflict and prefer to go along the path of least resistance even if that path is not taking me where I really want to go.  This is a character defect on my part, but I feel it is an easy defect to have in our current society.  We live in a society of instant gratification and indulgence, we are constantly bombarded with things we must have and do now.  We are constantly shown the easy path is usually the best path and hard work is often not worth the end result.  Perhaps I am looking for excuses for my own character weakness, but I think I am right in feeling that we live in a weak willed world.  What else is apathy, but a lack of will?  When we make conscious, thought out choices, when we exercise our will, we cannot be apathetic.  

So how do you strengthen will?  That is my question. I am hoping a greater awareness of the problem will go a long way to helping me strengthen my will, because just like a muscle the only way to strengthen will is to exercise it.  And just like in exercising, you have to start small and work every day adding greater strain gradually.  In the end I want a strong will, I want to be able to accomplish every goal I set my mind to and most importantly I want to give this gift of a strong will to my children.  I can think of only a few gifts of greater value than a strong will.  If this is what Charlotte Mason teaches, I will put the effort into reading the source material so I can learn more.  

Regrets

You know I was going to start this by saying that I don't have many regrets and then I started thinking about my past and I cannot say that.  I have lots of regrets, tons of regrets, most dealing with one of two issues and they are pretty interrelated.  My first set of regrets deals with social faux pas, some very serious ones that thinking back STILL make me want to blush.  Some only I know about and they will hopefully stay that way forever, others were extra embarrassing because everyone knew/ knows my social ineptness because of them.  I still regularly make these mistakes, you would think I would have learned by now, but no.  I will probably be the granny that is known for saying the wrong thing or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

My second set of regrets deals with friendships.  I am really terrible at long distance friendship and I deeply regret it.  If you are family, there is no need to worry, I'm pretty good with immediate family and getting better at keeping up with extended family.  Anyone else though, I'm terrible about keeping up with.  It isn't that I don't want to keep up with people.  It isn't that I don't think about them, some of them a lot.  I will occasionally send out an email, but I know it isn't enough.  Sometimes I think about making a phone call, but I've never been a big phone talker so wouldn't it be wierd if I just out of the blue started calling people to "chat"?  I would think it's a little odd if someone did that to me, but I don't think I'd mind.  I will try to improve, but since I'm not sure how to improve I don't have much hope.

Corbin's Birth Story

Caution this is a bit graphic.

Corbin’s Birth

Written 1/27/08 (I was due 1/26/08)

This pregnancy was so different from with Jovi, from the beginning to the end. I felt a lot sicker the first 4 months with Corbin than I felt my whole pregnancy with Jovi. I also didn’t gain very much weight till the last two months with Corbin. As I remember, I gained a lot of weight pretty steadily with Jovi. Looking back at pictures I looked bigger with Jovi than I did with Corbin although that probably had to do with how I was carrying him. Now, on to the birth…

I started having noticeable, regular Braxton hicks contractions at the beginning of December, but nothing that hurt. I got through Christmas and after that I was ready for him to be here. I was tired of being big and pregnant and uncomfortable and tired and all those things that the last month of pregnancy is. I had a lot of contractions, some of them fairly uncomfortable, while we were in Corsicana for Paloma’s Quinceanera, but nothing else happened.

On New Years Eve, I thought I might be going into labor because I was having uncomfortable, but not hurting, contractions every 4 minutes, I kept hoping they would start hurting, but they didn’t. We went to the Hamblin’s house and welcomed in the new year with them and some of our other friends. I’m glad we had somewhere to go because I know I would have just been worrying about whether I was in labor or not. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have my water break before labor started with Jovi. With Jovi I knew when to go to the hospital, with Corbin (who was not named Corbin till a couple of hours after he was born), I kept on wondering if *this* was is.

On Tuesday night, 1/8 I started having contractions that hurt a little, but not a lot. They were coming every 3-4 minutes for over an hour and I thought for sure that *this* was the night, I was just waiting for the contractions to get stronger before I called the midwife. But instead of getting stronger the contractions slowed and eventually stopped all together. Wednesday morning I was so discouraged, I felt I was going to be pregnant forever.

On Thursday, 1/10 I went to the birthing center for my appointment, Juan came with me so he could watch Jovi while the midwife checked me. She said that I was almost 3cm dilated and that I could go into labor anytime and that I should walk a lot (something I had been trying to do even before Christmas) to help the contractions grow stronger. She suggested using my breast pump and then walking afterwards to stimulate contractions and push me into labor. I did that as much as possible on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and while I had lots of contractions and some of them were getting stronger, they weren’t regular. Saturday night I was having irregular contractions when I went to sleep at about 10:00, at about 12:00 they had started hurting enough that I was having trouble sleeping. I got up and paced the house and they got stronger. These were labor contractions like I remembered from Jovi’s birth. I woke Juan up at around 1:00ish and told him I thought this was finally it. I called the midwife, Jean at 2:00 to tell her that my contractions were 4-5minutes apart, she said to wait an hour and call her back. I was sure I was in labor so I called my mom and asked if her and Emma could meet us at our house. The original plan had been that we would drive with Jovi to the birthing center and meet my mom there with someone who would drive Jovi back to my parent’s house, but that afternoon Jovi had gotten a fever and since we had to wait an hour anyway, we thought that having Jovi moved around less would be better. After an hour the contractions were even stronger and coming every three minutes. I called Jean back and she said to come in. My mom and Emma showed up a few minutes later and we left for the birthing center. On the way a police officer pulled my mom over for having one headlight out, but he let her go when she explained that her daughter was in labor in the car ahead of her.

We got to the birthing center about 3:30ish and the birthing room was ready with low lights and candles. I liked laboring while lying across a birthing ball for a while. Jean checked me and the baby periodically and when I was about 7cm dilated she broke my water and the contractions got stronger. I would walk in place while leaning on Juan to get though them. I don’t know how accurate it was, but at the time this labor felt much more painful than Jovi’s labor. At some point I laid down on the bed. I asked for pain medication, but Lynn, the birth attendant put off giving it to me till it was time to push when there wasn’t any point. I honestly don’t remember how long I pushed with Corbin, I was not watching the clock, Juan says it was about an hour with really hard pushing for the last half hour. I do remember it seeming really hard to push his head out and how big he seemed once he came out on 1/13/08 at 6:50am. They wrapped him in a towel and immediately gave him to me. We put the hat I made for him on and I got to hold my new little boy as I pushed out the placenta and Jean sewed me up where I tore along my old episiotomy scar line. Juan cut the cord and we got to cuddle with our new baby. We were amazed at how big he was, 9lbs 12oz and 21in with lots of cute chubby rolls especially since all the midwives had guestimated that he was at least 1lb smaller. Juan and I kept going back and forth on names but finally decided that he looked most like a Corbin. Jean checked him over and said he was great then she went home to rest since it looked like there would be another birth in a few hours. Lynn stayed with us filling out the birth certificate paperwork. My mom went and got us breakfast from Grandys and then went back to our house to take Emma and Jovi home with her. After both me and the baby checked out ok, Lynn said we could stay there and rest or go home to rest since the required two hour of medical observation were up. We decided to go home. I loved being able to rest at home with our new baby rather than having to stay up at the hospital for days. Juan’s mom and Paloma came to see us that afternoon and then everyone but my mom, who was staying with Jovi, came up to see us. My grandma brought us dinner. It was a wonderful day, I was so happy that Corbin Valentin Flores was here.

Jovi's Birth Story

Since I never want to loose this, I thought I would add Jovi's birth story here.   Caution, it is a bit graphic.

9/15/05 & 9/18/05

Jovi’s Birth
I went to my Obstetrician’s appointment on Thursday, Sept. 8 where Dr. Sims told me that I was 60-70% effaced and almost 1 cm dilated and that I could go into labor at any time, not that I would, but it was much more a possibility than it had been. I told him that I’d been having contractions at night that whole week, but they hadn’t hurt. He said that was very normal, which I knew, but you’re supposed to keep the doctor informed and all.
I was very excited that my body had started getting ready to go into labor because I was sooo ready to have her here and not in me anymore. The longer I was pregnant the more uncomfortable everything became, walking, doing and especially sleeping.
The only thing that I was worried about was that Jovi’s baby shower was planned for Saturday and we had already put it off once already. If she came on Friday or Saturday we’d have to cancel it again. After I got done at the doctor’s office I went to Costco to check out stuff for the party. I started feeling “bad” that night. It’s nothing that hurt, I just started not feeling good. I got up the next day and started cleaning the house for the baby shower. I still wasn’t feeling great but with Laura and my mom’s help we got the house clean. That night and into the morning I started having pretty regular, non-hurting contractions at about 10 minutes apart. I was very worried that I would go into labor during the baby shower, but after we ran some last minute errands the contractions went away. The baby shower went really well. Everything looked pretty and I think that everyone enjoyed it. Jovi got tons of cute clothes and I kept thinking that if she ended up being a boy we were going to have some problems. Juan was planning on going somewhere during the baby shower, but since I had been having contractions he decided to stay at home. I was glad he was there. The shower lasted from 2:00-4:00 and by the end of it I was exhausted. Juan’s mom had gotten to the shower a little late and was staying after with us for a little while afterwards, but I was so tired that I had to lay down. When I got up she had already left and I felt bad that I hadn’t spent much time with her and Paloma. Juan made Mexican casserole for dinner that night, which was as always delicious, and my mom and sisters ate with us. They had stayed to help clean up.
Everyone left by 6 or 7 and Juan and I were both really tired. We decided to watch Solaris, an older movie that we both hadn’t seen before. It was not a very good movie, I kept thinking that I might fall asleep through it and I never fall asleep during movies. But, we got through it and went to bed at 10:00. I woke up at 10:50 and felt a little wet. I woke Juan up and told him that I thought my water broke. I wasn’t entirely sure because there wasn’t very much liquid and I wasn’t having any contractions but, I thought I better call the doctor anyway. We got ready to go to the hospital as we waited for him to call back. He said that we should go to the hospital to get checked. We didn’t call anyone ‘cause we thought we’d wait till the hospital told us if I was in labor or not. The question was answered in the car when my water really broke. I thought that when your water broke you lost like a cup of liquid and that was it. I found out that I was very wrong when your water breaks it gushes and then keeps on gushing. I got soaked. At that point I called my mom since we were now sure that the baby was coming that night. She said that she would meet us at the hospital.
We got to the hospital at about 11:15 and knew where to go and what to do because of our prepared childbirth class. Our nurse’s name was Erica and she showed us to a room and had me get into a gown. There was meconium with the amniotic fluid which meant that the baby might be having trouble. She hooked me up to a fetal monitor and then asked me lots of questions and had Juan and I fill out lots of papers for us to get checked in. It took quite a while. She checked my progress and said that I was already 3-4 cm dilated. It was about that time that I started feeling the contractions. They were a little painful but nothing too bad. After they had me all checked in, they let my mom come back. She said she’d been waiting for quite a while.
We started a video, A Knight’s Tale, that my mom had brought and watched the contractions come and go on the monitor. They were very irregular but were getting closer together and stronger which is what was important. About 15 minutes into the movie the contractions really started to hurt. My mom started breathing with me and Juan massaged my feet. We didn’t know it at the time, but that was going to be their jobs for the next five hours. For the first couple of hours there would be breaks in between some of the contractions and We could all catch our breath and I would watch a little of the movie. I had originally planned to stay out of bed as much as possible because it was supposed to make the labor shorter and the pain easier to deal with, but because the doctor was a little worried about the baby I had to stay hooked to the fetal monitor in bed the whole time. I surprised myself by not minding that as much as I thought I would. Breathing through the contractions took so much concentration that being stuck in bed wasn’t such a big deal. At about 4:00 (guesstimate ‘cause at that point I wasn’t really watching the clock) the contractions stated coming pretty much back to back and I didn’t get that nice, even if very short, break in between.
I couldn’t have gotten through the rest of the labor without my mom and Juan. My mom helped me to focus on my breathing and Juan provided counter pressure so I could focus on another sensation that wasn’t the contraction. I worried a little bit that Juan wasn’t feeling important so I tried to make sure to let him know that what he was doing was incredibly helpful. I so could not have coped with the pain on my own. They were integral to me having a “natural” childbirth. Somewhere in there the doctor came in and checked my progress and said that I was 8 cm. At about 4:30 I asked the nurse if there was the possibility that I could still have pain medication. She said it was too late for anything but an epidural and that I was very near the end. I figured it wasn’t worth it to get an epidural at that point. In the 4:30-4:45 range I started feeling the need to push and it just kept getting stronger, but the nurse and everyone kept telling me to blow through it. I didn’t realize what useful advice that would be till a little later. At 5:00 I could barely stand it, the pain was bad enough, but it was the combination of that AND the fact that I really REALLY wanted to push and they kept telling me I couldn’t that made things unbearable. The nurse checked me and said I was almost ready and turned me on my side to see if that would complete my dialation. She said that I had to wait 15 more minute and then I could push. At that point it seemed like that would take forever. Breathing went out the window. I held onto the side bar of the bed and blew through the contractions as the only way I could keep from pushing. At 5:15 the nurse got me ready to push. She folded the bed down and put the stirrups up and had my mom and Juan help push my legs back and I got to do something. It was such a relief! The contractions didn’t hurt any less, but I was able to do something about them and the pain didn’t seem to matter anymore, it just helped me to know when to push. I pushed for 15-20 minutes with just the nurse she put a mirror up and I could see the baby’s head when I was pushing. It sure wasn’t pretty, but I could tell she had black hair I told her I didn’t really want to see anymore, like I said, it wasn’t very pretty. Then the doctor and a whole bunch of other people came in. I kept pushing when I felt a contraction or they told me to push. The doctor told me he was going to do an episiotomy to help the baby’s head through. I felt him numb the area, but it must not have been that much because I could feel the cut the next time I pushed. I also felt her head slide out and I asked if her head was out, they told me it was at to push one more time. I pushed as hard as I could and felt her shoulders tear me and the rest of her come out. They took her over to the warming bed immediately to clean her up and make sure her lungs were ok and stuff. I heard her cry and asked if it was a girl to which they responded yes. It was 6:01 am 9/11/05. I asked the doctor if I needed to do anything else and he said to just sit there. I guess the placenta was delivered, but I don’t remember it. I do remember him sewing me up because it hurt a little bit, like pinches, but overall as soon as she came out the pain level dropped to next to nothing. I remember them telling me that she was 8lbs 14oz and I was shocked that she was such a big baby. At some point they gave Jovi to Juan and he brought her over to me. She was so beautiful and wide awake with lots of black hair and a beautiful chubby face. It was hard to believe she had just come out of me. I got to hold her and nurse her a little bit. Her skin was so soft and she just stared at me and Juan. It was really cool. Then they took her to the nursery to be washed and stuff. My mom followed her with the camera and Juan stayed with me. I honestly don’t remember much after that about getting moved to the postpartum room and stuff. I remember that they brought Jovi back to me after I had been in there about 15 minutes. That’s when I got to unwrap her and look at her feet and hands and stuff. She was beautiful. By then, Juan, my mom and I were exhausted, but my dad and sisters were coming up to see us so we stayed up till they came and saw Jovi. Jovi was asleep by then and as soon as everyone left Juan and I went to sleep too.



I kept meaning to write this as soon as I came home, but things got in the way and it kept being put of. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve forgotten some of the details after only a week

 

Quilting

I think everyone who reads this blog knows I like to sew.  I like making clothes for my kids and occasionally for myself.  I like making toys, especially dolls.  I like making bags, things for babies and even simple tied blankets.  While I don't really enjoy it, I appreciate the ability to make home decore items like curtains and throw pillows.  I find making beautiful, useful items very satisfying.  So, I should like quilting, right?  Quilting is a beautiful, useful craft.  Many quilts are truely works of art. 

I've finished three pieced quilts my whole life.  One was done with my mother's help, one taught me that knit fabrics and quilting don't mix well and one turned out ok, but is nothing special.  Right now I have two pieced quilt tops lying in my sewing room waiting for me to layer them and machine quilt them.  I'll get to it...someday.  These last two quilt tops have taught me why I am not a big fan of quilting.  I work hard at being as exact as possible with my cutting and sewing.  When I make clothes you are never going to notice if the seam is 1/16th of an inch off.  But when you piece a quilt and are even a tiniest bit off in cutting or sewing and you continue adding pieces that are a tiny bit off the whole quilt top goes from being the apropriate rectangle with 90 degree angles to something that will not fold staight no matter how much you trim it.  I find the whole thing SO frustrating.  Are other people really able to cut and sew perfectly straight seems?  Is this something that would get better with more quilting practice?  Am I being too hard on myself?  

Manager vs. Teacher

Ok, so I figure that the family blog has gotten more than enough of my ambivalence about homeschooling vs. public schooling, so I thought I'd share some of my angsty decision making over here.  This is something that is almost constantly on my mind and I go back and forth about it a lot.  I'm not making any final decisions until next year, maybe not even till summer, but the other day I was thinking about it and it came to me that even if Jovi was in public school I wouldn't be giving up the job of making sure she was educated.  It's a job that is mine by divine right and something I don't want to give up.  The decision is more in the nature of who I would be in the educational process.  Am I going to be the teacher or am I going to be the manager of my children's education?  I can see pros and cons to each (which is why I can't decide).

Homeschooling Pros:
Being the teacher allows me to control content and speed of my children's learning.  Everything can be tailored to my children.  We can spend more time on personal interests or areas that need work and go faster through things that aren't as interesting or are easily mastered.  I LOVE that aspect because you certainly don't get personalized curriculum in public school.  We are not tied to a schedule, we can go on field trips and vacations whenever we want.  School doesn't have to stop if my kids get sick.  Hopefully that won't be an issue either way, but if I have sickly children home school will definitely allow for greater continuity.  One of the greatest things I think it can do is create a family culture of learning and togetherness.  There would be a lot less focus on peers and more on family.
Homeschooling Cons:
The biggest one for me is that it is A LOT of work planning and preparing the lessons, making sure we don't leave out some important thing that should be learned.  It also takes a decent amount of money (most people say it is similar to what you spend on activities and fundraisers that come up with public school, but I have no way of personally verifying this) to buy quality curriculum, books and pay for field trips and all the other things you need for school.  Another thing to think about (not sure if it is a true con) is that my children wouldn't share a unifying experience with the vast majority of other American children.  I'm not worried about the "socialization" aspect of homeschooling.  With so many homeschooling co-ops available (we are part of one this year), church, sports and other extra curricular classes there are lots of opportunities for socialization and making friends.

Public School Pros:
Being the manager of my children's education would allow me to focus on helping them excel.  I could do fun after school projects with them without worrying about the basics.  I could help them improve talents and pursue interests that I might not have energy for otherwise.  I could focus on any children still at home instead of focusing on the school age kids.  Once all my kids were in school, I would certainly have more me time and I could possibly get a job or go back to school for a graduate degree.  I think my children would like being surrounded by peers every day (although, depending on the peers, this can be a huge con too).  There is a greater chance for academic awards and recognition in public school but also a greater chance for failure.
Public School Cons:
My children will not get very much personal attention, no child can in a classroom with 20+ kids and one teacher.  They will have to learn to navigate social peer groups who may or may not like them.  This could be a pro, but since social skills are not taught, it is a sink or swim situation and for those kids who sink it can be intensely painful (see below post).  They may be bored, unchallenged or feel unsuccessful, feelings that are much less likely to occur in a one on one tutoring situation.  We will be stuck with a school schedule, waking up when they say, taking vacations when they say, etc.  I will miss my kids, I know we will get used to it, but I don't know that is such a good thing.  Of course, I want my kids to become independent, but I don't feel that being gone for 3/4 of the day in elementary school is an especially good thing. 

Sometimes I feel that I am leaning towards homeschooling and at other times I think that public school would be the best choice for our family.  I just don't know.

Issues

I have issues. I think everyone has issues, some have them under better control than others. I was confronted with one of my issues tonight and I am sure it will come up again and again and I really need to control it or come to terms with it or something, but I don't know how.

I was never well liked as a child. I was blessed with a best friend, someone I grew up with since I was three years old and there were several times that without her I might have been friendless. I was often bullied and made fun of in and out of school.  I admit that this was not only the cruelty of children (although children can be terribly cruel), I was socially awkward and slightly immature. I remember at around twelve years old a specific incident of feeling really hyper and thinking, "Man, I am acting really annoying.", but I felt powerless to control it. It wasn't till late high school that I felt I at least got my annoyingness under control. I still feel socially awkward even now, but I digress.  I remember so many times hearing classmates or teammates (I played soccer up into high school) talking about parties and get togethers that I was never invited to.  They didn't like me.  They didn't want me around when they had an actual choice about it, and I remember feeling so hurt and helpless to change the situation.  Well, I grew up and moved on.  I feel I have some good friends in my life and do my best in new social situations, at least I don't feel I embarrass myself.  I thought I had put the past behind me, but...

A few nights ago, at Jovi's soccer practice some of the moms were talking about a birthday party of one of the teammates that apparently several of the other girls were invited to, but Jovi had not been invited.  Since we moved last year, I have been in a handful of situations where people around me talk about parties of some sort that I or my children were not invited to, but could have been since we knew the person hosting the event.  The slights to me (I'm sure they all were unintentional) were easily forgiven and forgotten, the slights to my children less so, but we are new in the area and a few group play dates doesn't make everyone friends, I understand that.  But that night I had such an intense visceral reaction to realizing the slight to Jovi, it brought back memories from childhood that I thought I had left far behind.  Jovi didn't know about it and probably wouldn't have cared even if she did, but I just wanted to leave that soccer team that obviously didn't appreciate my wonderful daughter and keep her safe and happy from all social slights, current and future.  I actually felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of what she might have to endure in the future in regards to social situations, friendships and lack of friends.  I have noticed that Jovi is excellent at making friends one on one, but is not so good at getting along with groups.  I know that without my own history, I wouldn't be very worried about this at all, I mean, she IS only 5 and she does have friends. 

This is not a Jovi problem, this is a ME problem and I'm afraid it will only get worse as my children get older.  I thought I had dealt with this, and truly, what happened to me as a child doesn't bother me anymore.  But the thought of watching my children go through something similar... I can barely stand just the thought.  The worst part is that I KNOW that it's going to happen, not the bullying, but the small but hurtful social slights are just part of life.  No one gets invited to everything, no one can be best friends with everyone.  I honestly don't know what to do about it except never act on an emotional reaction, at least not right away.