My first confession

So, the URL of this blog is trueconfessionsofRachel. I tried to think of something witty, but many wittier people have come before me so I was stuck with this after remembering a book I read several times when I was a kid, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle and thought, while I am not nearly as cool as the main character nor will I be talking about a sea voyage, it'll do for a blog URL.

Anyway, I guess I should confess something, something good, something interesting. Hmmmmm...How about my greatest fear? That's nice and juicy right? Actually, it's kind of silly. It started with a dream, a dreadful dream that haunted me throughout the next month and still makes me feel like shuddering whenever I think about it. My greatest fear is...going back in time. (you can laugh now, it's ok, but let me explain) Not as my current self visiting my younger self, but as in waking up and being 16 and it being 1996 and I can remember the next 14 years, but I have to relive them.

That's not so bad you say. If fact, it could be pretty great. You could fix mistakes, you could make a fortune in the stock market or betting on sports teams if you remember those kinds of stats better, you could redesign your life with the end in mind. I too thought this at one point. This used to be a very engaging daydream that I enjoyed in my late teenage years. So what changed? I actually love the life I currently have, not there aren't bad days and down times, but overall it is great and if I went back in time I'm sure I would loose it. Meeting the love of your life has a lot to do with timing. And Juan falling in love with me probably had a lot to do with who I was back six years ago and I've changed since then and I would change more before I was able to meet him and so maybe we would not get married and if we did not get married our children would never even exist except in my memory. Going back in time would make me lose the three most important things in my life and not lose them in a way where you could hope to someday be reunited with them and be able to reminisce with others who remember them and look at photos of them. That would be bad enough and having one of them die is my second worst fear, but worse would be me and only me knowing what I had and never being able to get it back, ever. **shudder**

Honestly, I am amazingly lucky this is my worst fear.