Corbin's Birth Story

Caution this is a bit graphic.

Corbin’s Birth

Written 1/27/08 (I was due 1/26/08)

This pregnancy was so different from with Jovi, from the beginning to the end. I felt a lot sicker the first 4 months with Corbin than I felt my whole pregnancy with Jovi. I also didn’t gain very much weight till the last two months with Corbin. As I remember, I gained a lot of weight pretty steadily with Jovi. Looking back at pictures I looked bigger with Jovi than I did with Corbin although that probably had to do with how I was carrying him. Now, on to the birth…

I started having noticeable, regular Braxton hicks contractions at the beginning of December, but nothing that hurt. I got through Christmas and after that I was ready for him to be here. I was tired of being big and pregnant and uncomfortable and tired and all those things that the last month of pregnancy is. I had a lot of contractions, some of them fairly uncomfortable, while we were in Corsicana for Paloma’s Quinceanera, but nothing else happened.

On New Years Eve, I thought I might be going into labor because I was having uncomfortable, but not hurting, contractions every 4 minutes, I kept hoping they would start hurting, but they didn’t. We went to the Hamblin’s house and welcomed in the new year with them and some of our other friends. I’m glad we had somewhere to go because I know I would have just been worrying about whether I was in labor or not. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have my water break before labor started with Jovi. With Jovi I knew when to go to the hospital, with Corbin (who was not named Corbin till a couple of hours after he was born), I kept on wondering if *this* was is.

On Tuesday night, 1/8 I started having contractions that hurt a little, but not a lot. They were coming every 3-4 minutes for over an hour and I thought for sure that *this* was the night, I was just waiting for the contractions to get stronger before I called the midwife. But instead of getting stronger the contractions slowed and eventually stopped all together. Wednesday morning I was so discouraged, I felt I was going to be pregnant forever.

On Thursday, 1/10 I went to the birthing center for my appointment, Juan came with me so he could watch Jovi while the midwife checked me. She said that I was almost 3cm dilated and that I could go into labor anytime and that I should walk a lot (something I had been trying to do even before Christmas) to help the contractions grow stronger. She suggested using my breast pump and then walking afterwards to stimulate contractions and push me into labor. I did that as much as possible on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and while I had lots of contractions and some of them were getting stronger, they weren’t regular. Saturday night I was having irregular contractions when I went to sleep at about 10:00, at about 12:00 they had started hurting enough that I was having trouble sleeping. I got up and paced the house and they got stronger. These were labor contractions like I remembered from Jovi’s birth. I woke Juan up at around 1:00ish and told him I thought this was finally it. I called the midwife, Jean at 2:00 to tell her that my contractions were 4-5minutes apart, she said to wait an hour and call her back. I was sure I was in labor so I called my mom and asked if her and Emma could meet us at our house. The original plan had been that we would drive with Jovi to the birthing center and meet my mom there with someone who would drive Jovi back to my parent’s house, but that afternoon Jovi had gotten a fever and since we had to wait an hour anyway, we thought that having Jovi moved around less would be better. After an hour the contractions were even stronger and coming every three minutes. I called Jean back and she said to come in. My mom and Emma showed up a few minutes later and we left for the birthing center. On the way a police officer pulled my mom over for having one headlight out, but he let her go when she explained that her daughter was in labor in the car ahead of her.

We got to the birthing center about 3:30ish and the birthing room was ready with low lights and candles. I liked laboring while lying across a birthing ball for a while. Jean checked me and the baby periodically and when I was about 7cm dilated she broke my water and the contractions got stronger. I would walk in place while leaning on Juan to get though them. I don’t know how accurate it was, but at the time this labor felt much more painful than Jovi’s labor. At some point I laid down on the bed. I asked for pain medication, but Lynn, the birth attendant put off giving it to me till it was time to push when there wasn’t any point. I honestly don’t remember how long I pushed with Corbin, I was not watching the clock, Juan says it was about an hour with really hard pushing for the last half hour. I do remember it seeming really hard to push his head out and how big he seemed once he came out on 1/13/08 at 6:50am. They wrapped him in a towel and immediately gave him to me. We put the hat I made for him on and I got to hold my new little boy as I pushed out the placenta and Jean sewed me up where I tore along my old episiotomy scar line. Juan cut the cord and we got to cuddle with our new baby. We were amazed at how big he was, 9lbs 12oz and 21in with lots of cute chubby rolls especially since all the midwives had guestimated that he was at least 1lb smaller. Juan and I kept going back and forth on names but finally decided that he looked most like a Corbin. Jean checked him over and said he was great then she went home to rest since it looked like there would be another birth in a few hours. Lynn stayed with us filling out the birth certificate paperwork. My mom went and got us breakfast from Grandys and then went back to our house to take Emma and Jovi home with her. After both me and the baby checked out ok, Lynn said we could stay there and rest or go home to rest since the required two hour of medical observation were up. We decided to go home. I loved being able to rest at home with our new baby rather than having to stay up at the hospital for days. Juan’s mom and Paloma came to see us that afternoon and then everyone but my mom, who was staying with Jovi, came up to see us. My grandma brought us dinner. It was a wonderful day, I was so happy that Corbin Valentin Flores was here.

Jovi's Birth Story

Since I never want to loose this, I thought I would add Jovi's birth story here.   Caution, it is a bit graphic.

9/15/05 & 9/18/05

Jovi’s Birth
I went to my Obstetrician’s appointment on Thursday, Sept. 8 where Dr. Sims told me that I was 60-70% effaced and almost 1 cm dilated and that I could go into labor at any time, not that I would, but it was much more a possibility than it had been. I told him that I’d been having contractions at night that whole week, but they hadn’t hurt. He said that was very normal, which I knew, but you’re supposed to keep the doctor informed and all.
I was very excited that my body had started getting ready to go into labor because I was sooo ready to have her here and not in me anymore. The longer I was pregnant the more uncomfortable everything became, walking, doing and especially sleeping.
The only thing that I was worried about was that Jovi’s baby shower was planned for Saturday and we had already put it off once already. If she came on Friday or Saturday we’d have to cancel it again. After I got done at the doctor’s office I went to Costco to check out stuff for the party. I started feeling “bad” that night. It’s nothing that hurt, I just started not feeling good. I got up the next day and started cleaning the house for the baby shower. I still wasn’t feeling great but with Laura and my mom’s help we got the house clean. That night and into the morning I started having pretty regular, non-hurting contractions at about 10 minutes apart. I was very worried that I would go into labor during the baby shower, but after we ran some last minute errands the contractions went away. The baby shower went really well. Everything looked pretty and I think that everyone enjoyed it. Jovi got tons of cute clothes and I kept thinking that if she ended up being a boy we were going to have some problems. Juan was planning on going somewhere during the baby shower, but since I had been having contractions he decided to stay at home. I was glad he was there. The shower lasted from 2:00-4:00 and by the end of it I was exhausted. Juan’s mom had gotten to the shower a little late and was staying after with us for a little while afterwards, but I was so tired that I had to lay down. When I got up she had already left and I felt bad that I hadn’t spent much time with her and Paloma. Juan made Mexican casserole for dinner that night, which was as always delicious, and my mom and sisters ate with us. They had stayed to help clean up.
Everyone left by 6 or 7 and Juan and I were both really tired. We decided to watch Solaris, an older movie that we both hadn’t seen before. It was not a very good movie, I kept thinking that I might fall asleep through it and I never fall asleep during movies. But, we got through it and went to bed at 10:00. I woke up at 10:50 and felt a little wet. I woke Juan up and told him that I thought my water broke. I wasn’t entirely sure because there wasn’t very much liquid and I wasn’t having any contractions but, I thought I better call the doctor anyway. We got ready to go to the hospital as we waited for him to call back. He said that we should go to the hospital to get checked. We didn’t call anyone ‘cause we thought we’d wait till the hospital told us if I was in labor or not. The question was answered in the car when my water really broke. I thought that when your water broke you lost like a cup of liquid and that was it. I found out that I was very wrong when your water breaks it gushes and then keeps on gushing. I got soaked. At that point I called my mom since we were now sure that the baby was coming that night. She said that she would meet us at the hospital.
We got to the hospital at about 11:15 and knew where to go and what to do because of our prepared childbirth class. Our nurse’s name was Erica and she showed us to a room and had me get into a gown. There was meconium with the amniotic fluid which meant that the baby might be having trouble. She hooked me up to a fetal monitor and then asked me lots of questions and had Juan and I fill out lots of papers for us to get checked in. It took quite a while. She checked my progress and said that I was already 3-4 cm dilated. It was about that time that I started feeling the contractions. They were a little painful but nothing too bad. After they had me all checked in, they let my mom come back. She said she’d been waiting for quite a while.
We started a video, A Knight’s Tale, that my mom had brought and watched the contractions come and go on the monitor. They were very irregular but were getting closer together and stronger which is what was important. About 15 minutes into the movie the contractions really started to hurt. My mom started breathing with me and Juan massaged my feet. We didn’t know it at the time, but that was going to be their jobs for the next five hours. For the first couple of hours there would be breaks in between some of the contractions and We could all catch our breath and I would watch a little of the movie. I had originally planned to stay out of bed as much as possible because it was supposed to make the labor shorter and the pain easier to deal with, but because the doctor was a little worried about the baby I had to stay hooked to the fetal monitor in bed the whole time. I surprised myself by not minding that as much as I thought I would. Breathing through the contractions took so much concentration that being stuck in bed wasn’t such a big deal. At about 4:00 (guesstimate ‘cause at that point I wasn’t really watching the clock) the contractions stated coming pretty much back to back and I didn’t get that nice, even if very short, break in between.
I couldn’t have gotten through the rest of the labor without my mom and Juan. My mom helped me to focus on my breathing and Juan provided counter pressure so I could focus on another sensation that wasn’t the contraction. I worried a little bit that Juan wasn’t feeling important so I tried to make sure to let him know that what he was doing was incredibly helpful. I so could not have coped with the pain on my own. They were integral to me having a “natural” childbirth. Somewhere in there the doctor came in and checked my progress and said that I was 8 cm. At about 4:30 I asked the nurse if there was the possibility that I could still have pain medication. She said it was too late for anything but an epidural and that I was very near the end. I figured it wasn’t worth it to get an epidural at that point. In the 4:30-4:45 range I started feeling the need to push and it just kept getting stronger, but the nurse and everyone kept telling me to blow through it. I didn’t realize what useful advice that would be till a little later. At 5:00 I could barely stand it, the pain was bad enough, but it was the combination of that AND the fact that I really REALLY wanted to push and they kept telling me I couldn’t that made things unbearable. The nurse checked me and said I was almost ready and turned me on my side to see if that would complete my dialation. She said that I had to wait 15 more minute and then I could push. At that point it seemed like that would take forever. Breathing went out the window. I held onto the side bar of the bed and blew through the contractions as the only way I could keep from pushing. At 5:15 the nurse got me ready to push. She folded the bed down and put the stirrups up and had my mom and Juan help push my legs back and I got to do something. It was such a relief! The contractions didn’t hurt any less, but I was able to do something about them and the pain didn’t seem to matter anymore, it just helped me to know when to push. I pushed for 15-20 minutes with just the nurse she put a mirror up and I could see the baby’s head when I was pushing. It sure wasn’t pretty, but I could tell she had black hair I told her I didn’t really want to see anymore, like I said, it wasn’t very pretty. Then the doctor and a whole bunch of other people came in. I kept pushing when I felt a contraction or they told me to push. The doctor told me he was going to do an episiotomy to help the baby’s head through. I felt him numb the area, but it must not have been that much because I could feel the cut the next time I pushed. I also felt her head slide out and I asked if her head was out, they told me it was at to push one more time. I pushed as hard as I could and felt her shoulders tear me and the rest of her come out. They took her over to the warming bed immediately to clean her up and make sure her lungs were ok and stuff. I heard her cry and asked if it was a girl to which they responded yes. It was 6:01 am 9/11/05. I asked the doctor if I needed to do anything else and he said to just sit there. I guess the placenta was delivered, but I don’t remember it. I do remember him sewing me up because it hurt a little bit, like pinches, but overall as soon as she came out the pain level dropped to next to nothing. I remember them telling me that she was 8lbs 14oz and I was shocked that she was such a big baby. At some point they gave Jovi to Juan and he brought her over to me. She was so beautiful and wide awake with lots of black hair and a beautiful chubby face. It was hard to believe she had just come out of me. I got to hold her and nurse her a little bit. Her skin was so soft and she just stared at me and Juan. It was really cool. Then they took her to the nursery to be washed and stuff. My mom followed her with the camera and Juan stayed with me. I honestly don’t remember much after that about getting moved to the postpartum room and stuff. I remember that they brought Jovi back to me after I had been in there about 15 minutes. That’s when I got to unwrap her and look at her feet and hands and stuff. She was beautiful. By then, Juan, my mom and I were exhausted, but my dad and sisters were coming up to see us so we stayed up till they came and saw Jovi. Jovi was asleep by then and as soon as everyone left Juan and I went to sleep too.



I kept meaning to write this as soon as I came home, but things got in the way and it kept being put of. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve forgotten some of the details after only a week

 

Quilting

I think everyone who reads this blog knows I like to sew.  I like making clothes for my kids and occasionally for myself.  I like making toys, especially dolls.  I like making bags, things for babies and even simple tied blankets.  While I don't really enjoy it, I appreciate the ability to make home decore items like curtains and throw pillows.  I find making beautiful, useful items very satisfying.  So, I should like quilting, right?  Quilting is a beautiful, useful craft.  Many quilts are truely works of art. 

I've finished three pieced quilts my whole life.  One was done with my mother's help, one taught me that knit fabrics and quilting don't mix well and one turned out ok, but is nothing special.  Right now I have two pieced quilt tops lying in my sewing room waiting for me to layer them and machine quilt them.  I'll get to it...someday.  These last two quilt tops have taught me why I am not a big fan of quilting.  I work hard at being as exact as possible with my cutting and sewing.  When I make clothes you are never going to notice if the seam is 1/16th of an inch off.  But when you piece a quilt and are even a tiniest bit off in cutting or sewing and you continue adding pieces that are a tiny bit off the whole quilt top goes from being the apropriate rectangle with 90 degree angles to something that will not fold staight no matter how much you trim it.  I find the whole thing SO frustrating.  Are other people really able to cut and sew perfectly straight seems?  Is this something that would get better with more quilting practice?  Am I being too hard on myself?  

Manager vs. Teacher

Ok, so I figure that the family blog has gotten more than enough of my ambivalence about homeschooling vs. public schooling, so I thought I'd share some of my angsty decision making over here.  This is something that is almost constantly on my mind and I go back and forth about it a lot.  I'm not making any final decisions until next year, maybe not even till summer, but the other day I was thinking about it and it came to me that even if Jovi was in public school I wouldn't be giving up the job of making sure she was educated.  It's a job that is mine by divine right and something I don't want to give up.  The decision is more in the nature of who I would be in the educational process.  Am I going to be the teacher or am I going to be the manager of my children's education?  I can see pros and cons to each (which is why I can't decide).

Homeschooling Pros:
Being the teacher allows me to control content and speed of my children's learning.  Everything can be tailored to my children.  We can spend more time on personal interests or areas that need work and go faster through things that aren't as interesting or are easily mastered.  I LOVE that aspect because you certainly don't get personalized curriculum in public school.  We are not tied to a schedule, we can go on field trips and vacations whenever we want.  School doesn't have to stop if my kids get sick.  Hopefully that won't be an issue either way, but if I have sickly children home school will definitely allow for greater continuity.  One of the greatest things I think it can do is create a family culture of learning and togetherness.  There would be a lot less focus on peers and more on family.
Homeschooling Cons:
The biggest one for me is that it is A LOT of work planning and preparing the lessons, making sure we don't leave out some important thing that should be learned.  It also takes a decent amount of money (most people say it is similar to what you spend on activities and fundraisers that come up with public school, but I have no way of personally verifying this) to buy quality curriculum, books and pay for field trips and all the other things you need for school.  Another thing to think about (not sure if it is a true con) is that my children wouldn't share a unifying experience with the vast majority of other American children.  I'm not worried about the "socialization" aspect of homeschooling.  With so many homeschooling co-ops available (we are part of one this year), church, sports and other extra curricular classes there are lots of opportunities for socialization and making friends.

Public School Pros:
Being the manager of my children's education would allow me to focus on helping them excel.  I could do fun after school projects with them without worrying about the basics.  I could help them improve talents and pursue interests that I might not have energy for otherwise.  I could focus on any children still at home instead of focusing on the school age kids.  Once all my kids were in school, I would certainly have more me time and I could possibly get a job or go back to school for a graduate degree.  I think my children would like being surrounded by peers every day (although, depending on the peers, this can be a huge con too).  There is a greater chance for academic awards and recognition in public school but also a greater chance for failure.
Public School Cons:
My children will not get very much personal attention, no child can in a classroom with 20+ kids and one teacher.  They will have to learn to navigate social peer groups who may or may not like them.  This could be a pro, but since social skills are not taught, it is a sink or swim situation and for those kids who sink it can be intensely painful (see below post).  They may be bored, unchallenged or feel unsuccessful, feelings that are much less likely to occur in a one on one tutoring situation.  We will be stuck with a school schedule, waking up when they say, taking vacations when they say, etc.  I will miss my kids, I know we will get used to it, but I don't know that is such a good thing.  Of course, I want my kids to become independent, but I don't feel that being gone for 3/4 of the day in elementary school is an especially good thing. 

Sometimes I feel that I am leaning towards homeschooling and at other times I think that public school would be the best choice for our family.  I just don't know.

Issues

I have issues. I think everyone has issues, some have them under better control than others. I was confronted with one of my issues tonight and I am sure it will come up again and again and I really need to control it or come to terms with it or something, but I don't know how.

I was never well liked as a child. I was blessed with a best friend, someone I grew up with since I was three years old and there were several times that without her I might have been friendless. I was often bullied and made fun of in and out of school.  I admit that this was not only the cruelty of children (although children can be terribly cruel), I was socially awkward and slightly immature. I remember at around twelve years old a specific incident of feeling really hyper and thinking, "Man, I am acting really annoying.", but I felt powerless to control it. It wasn't till late high school that I felt I at least got my annoyingness under control. I still feel socially awkward even now, but I digress.  I remember so many times hearing classmates or teammates (I played soccer up into high school) talking about parties and get togethers that I was never invited to.  They didn't like me.  They didn't want me around when they had an actual choice about it, and I remember feeling so hurt and helpless to change the situation.  Well, I grew up and moved on.  I feel I have some good friends in my life and do my best in new social situations, at least I don't feel I embarrass myself.  I thought I had put the past behind me, but...

A few nights ago, at Jovi's soccer practice some of the moms were talking about a birthday party of one of the teammates that apparently several of the other girls were invited to, but Jovi had not been invited.  Since we moved last year, I have been in a handful of situations where people around me talk about parties of some sort that I or my children were not invited to, but could have been since we knew the person hosting the event.  The slights to me (I'm sure they all were unintentional) were easily forgiven and forgotten, the slights to my children less so, but we are new in the area and a few group play dates doesn't make everyone friends, I understand that.  But that night I had such an intense visceral reaction to realizing the slight to Jovi, it brought back memories from childhood that I thought I had left far behind.  Jovi didn't know about it and probably wouldn't have cared even if she did, but I just wanted to leave that soccer team that obviously didn't appreciate my wonderful daughter and keep her safe and happy from all social slights, current and future.  I actually felt physically sick to my stomach at the thought of what she might have to endure in the future in regards to social situations, friendships and lack of friends.  I have noticed that Jovi is excellent at making friends one on one, but is not so good at getting along with groups.  I know that without my own history, I wouldn't be very worried about this at all, I mean, she IS only 5 and she does have friends. 

This is not a Jovi problem, this is a ME problem and I'm afraid it will only get worse as my children get older.  I thought I had dealt with this, and truly, what happened to me as a child doesn't bother me anymore.  But the thought of watching my children go through something similar... I can barely stand just the thought.  The worst part is that I KNOW that it's going to happen, not the bullying, but the small but hurtful social slights are just part of life.  No one gets invited to everything, no one can be best friends with everyone.  I honestly don't know what to do about it except never act on an emotional reaction, at least not right away.

I love Jack Johnson

When I was in college at BYU-Hawaii Jack Johnson's first album Brushfire Fairytales came out.  They played a lot of the songs on the radio because he is from Hawaii and if you think Texans have Texas pride Hawaiians take it a step further with Hawaiian pride.  And, of course, it was played a lot because his music is just so awesome.  Jack Johnson grew up really close to Laie (where BYUH is located)  My surf instructor's son played in one of Jack Johnson's early bands.  His music sounds like Hawaii to me, relaxed, cool, simple and beautiful.  Man, I miss Hawaii.  Anyway, I bought the album.  I was a fan.  I liked future albums.  Then he wrote and sang the music for the Curious George movie (Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies for the Film Curious George (Jack Johnson)).  I am a big Curious George fan, have been since I was a child and the music was awesome, it catapulted him to my favorite artist ever. 

When I was pregnant with Jovi I found out he was playing a concert in Dallas. While I normally don't want to go to concerts because of the cost, I felt this concert would be totally worth it.  Unfortunately we were unable to get tickets.  I vowed that if he EVER came back to Dallas I WOULD be at that concert so... I found out in May that Jack would be playing at the Superpages Center in Dallas in August.  Now, the Superpages Center in August would have to be my least favorite venue ever, a huge outdoor concert in the worst heat of the summer, yuck!  I would likely turn down free tickets to see anyone else there during the heat of the summer, but it was going to be Jack Johnson playing.  So, I told Juan that I wanted tickets for my birthday, Juan is not such a big fan that he was willing to brave the heat and crowds, but my sisters were happy to go with me.  So, last Tuesday I got to go and see Jack Johnson live.  It was awesome, totally lived up to my expectations.  He played for 2 hours, 2 hours of really great music.  I was totally glad we splurged for covered seating because it rained rather hard for a while before the concert started, I didn't envy the people with lawn seats.  He played some old stuff and some new stuff and had some really great musicians with him that helped make the concert great.  My sisters and I had a really great time.  Here are some pictures and a taste of some Jack Johnson music if you've never heard of him.

In the car, right before we went to the concert.




At the concert


Jack!




NOT from the concert I went to, but close enough :)






SO excited I found this one. Paula Fuga wrote this and they sang it at the concert, love it!






 

Theme Song

When I was a teenage (late teens) I occasionally watched Ally McBeal, not the greatest show, but some really good moments.  So, I remember in one episode that Ally was going to a therapist (don't remember why) and the therapist suggested choosing a theme song for her life.  I don't even remember what song she chose, but the idea of a theme song, one that you want to represent you and be played behind the montage that would play on the opening credits of your life "show" really stuck with me.  What song would I pick?  Why?  Since then I've had several theme songs.  I can't remember the first, it might have been (gasp) depressing, but since then I've worked towards a happier life and feel I have chosen very upbeat songs.  To become a theme song it has to fit where I want my life to go or something I very strongly identify with at the time.  It has to give me chills and be something I can sing to.  I don't always have a theme song, but usually I do.  The first one I remember choosing is:



Then I met Juan and this became my new theme song:


I had a short time period where this was my theme song:


Most recently this has become my theme song, I love it:


Now from this list you might think that I'm a huge Dave Matthews fan, while I do like his music, he just happens to have lyrics and a sound that I apparently identify with (certainly not true of all of his songs).  So do you have a theme song?  Care to share it?

30

I turned the big 3-0 on Saturday.  What does that mean?  I don't know.  Do I feel older?  Not particularly.  Juan is older than me, 6.5 years older than me so everytime I get older I just look at him and feel young.  I know he's been there, done that for a while and he's doing great so I'm sure I'll do great too.  It's a nice security blanket except for the fact that statistically speaking, he will die before me and I will have to live the last years of my life alone. 

Anyway, I remember as a kid my parents saying that as you get older you didn't really feel any different than when you were a kid.  I also remeber totally not believing them.  OF COURSE, you felt older than when you were a kid.  As a parent you were OLD, you had responsibilities, you were DIFFERENT.  Now, as a parent, I totally know what they were talking about.  No matter how old we are we stay pretty much the same.  Sure we grow, hopefully increase in wisdom, certainly we increase in experience, our bodies eventually break down, but who we are, our souls, are ageless.  It really makes me look at people differently than I used to, age is truely just a number, not very important at all.

Achievement

I am no good at starting jobs that feel like they will take forever.  When I clean upstairs i clean every room before I start on Jovi's room because even with her helping it is always the messiest room.  I have had fabric cut out and ready to piece together for a quilt for Jovi for like 3 months because a whole quilt feels like such a big project and I keep putting smaller, "easier" projects in front of it.  And then there was my email inbox.  I started a new email account when I got married 6 1/2 years ago.  I went from RachelHirschy at yahoo to RachelElizabethFlores at yahoo for obvious reasons.  Anyway, I am much more likely to keep emails than throw them away and for the first few years I didn't even think about organizing my inbox and then by the time that I realized it would be very useful to have a lot of folders and an empty inbox it had turned into a job that felt like it would take forever to finish.  I even started organizing it several times throughout the years, but after a few hours I would loose focus or be interrupted.  As of a few days ago I had 1000 unread emails (these were mainly company coupons that I left just in case i might want to use it) and over 6500 emails. I had emails from 2004-2010, from friends, businesses and a whole bunch from my year long stint volunteering for a nonprofit.  After a few days and about six hours I am happy to report that I have an empty inbox and I still kept the important emails in my now fairly comprehensive collection of folders.  It may seem like a small achievement to many people, but it was a big one for me.  With this success I think I'm ready to start that quilt and maybe even tackle Jovi's closet.

Would you rather...

Growing up I loved this children's book; Would You Rather...  Apparently it is not in print anymore, but if your library has it I suggest checking it out.  You get to choose between a bunch of gross options, some scary options and some really cool options.  It was a favorite read aloud at our house and we would all get to say what we would rather doing and why.  Lots of games and new books, some of them VERY adult (too adult for me) are on the market that let you do the same thing, but Juan isn't a fan of choosing between all good or all bad options unless he's forced into it so no games for us and I didn't really even know about the books until I did this search. Anyway, I like would you rather stuff and hope some of you do too.  Here is a little list to think about and my personal answers, please comment if you would choose something different :).

1.Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf, a loss of any sense is hard, but I am SUCH a visual person I think sight would be the hardest sense for me to loose.

2.Would you rather loose and arm or a leg?
A leg because a prosthetic leg is a better replacement that a prosthetic arm.

3. Would you rather be beautiful, but dumb or ugly, but smart?
This depends on degrees for me, as long a your are smart enough to live independently I would choose beautiful, but dumb because I think it offers a greater chance for happiness than ugly but smart.  If you were so disabled you couldn't live independently I'd choose ugly, but smart.

4. Would you rather be more rich or more attractive?
If the "new me" started now I would choose rich because although I am decidedly average looking, Juan likes how I look and money would be more useful.  If I were single I might choose differently.  If this was starting when I was born I would choose more rich because money issues can cause SO much stress in a family, more rich benefits far more people than one person being more attractive. 

5. Would you rather it be winter forever or summer forever? 
I would take a nice northern style or tropical summer forever any day, but I do like changing seasons.  I think I'd choose having a Texas winter over a Texas summer all the time, but I don't know, neither are my ideal weather. 

What are some other good would you rather questions?

The more I experience...

The more I experience the less I know. Isn't that the beginning of wisdom or something? Well, I sure don't feel wise, just...lost. I was a psychology major. I did fairly well in my classes. I thought it was fascinating trying to discover motivation for actions. Why do people...? was always a fascinating question that I could usually come up with an answer to. I now understand that most of my reasoning was the arrogance of youth. When I was young I thought I knew the why of what people did most of the time. I was sure that it could be known even if I didn't know. Now I'm not sure. I can *think* I know why someone did or chose something, but I've been proven wrong so many times I have no confidence in my conclusions. I strongly suspect that the motivation for many actions can never be known, sometimes not even by the person who does them. What it comes down to is that I don't understand people. I *think* I understand my people, my family and close friends, but I could even be wrong about them. I certainly don't understand anyone else. It's like functioning in a perpetual fog, but I guess it's better to know I'm in fog than to think I can see clearly when I can't.

Books

I love books. I've always loved books. Even before I could read, having books read to me was my favorite activity. My mom said I would sit and listen for hours, which now that I'm a mom and have kids who have trouble sitting for more than two books in a row, I find amazing. Growing up my mom cursed me with the mom curse, "I hope one day you have kids just like you.", because I would read to the exclusion of all else. Chores, playing, eating, even occasionally sleeping all were second to reading a good book. Other kids might have daydreamed about living at an amusement park, or traveling with the circus, or, like this favorite children's book, living in a museum, but not me. I daydreamed about living in a library. Yep, I really am that nerdy. I had it all planned out, I'd collect change that fell from people's pockets and use it to buy food from the vending machines and sleep on the comfortable arm chairs each night. Ah, yes, it was a well thought out plan *sarcasm*.

Anyway, most people think this is odd, but I like to reread books, a lot. There is a reason for this though. The more I like a book, the faster I will read it, but if I read a book quickly I don't remember it very well. So, anywhere between a month to a year after reading something quickly I can read it again with almost the same enjoyment as the first time. And, after thinking about it I just have a really bad memory, because even after reading a book slowly or even several times if I then wait 5-10 years I will only have a vague idea of the plot and so I can enjoyably read it yet again. There is a series of books that I bought, read, then sold to half price books sure that I would not want to read it yet again and I think I've done that three times now for this same series. Yes, that is crazy.

I love being drawn into a book, being able to experience things I will never be exposed to in real life, learning about characters and their motivations, exploring new lands and worlds. I find it all fascinating. My favorite type of fiction is fantasy, but I like it all. Here are some of my favorites or at least the ones I can think of right now:

Regular Fiction

1.Welcome To The Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut is a collection of his short stories. I'm not a fan of short stories, but I'm a fan of his short stories. I also love Cat's Cradle and most of his other books too.

2.Catch-22, one of those "school" books that I read on my own and loved. Joseph Heller is a master of irony. One of the only war books I've ever liked.

3. Jane Austen, any of her books. I think my favorite is Persuasion, but Pride and Prejudice is a very close second.


Fantasy

1. The Belgariad series by David Eddings. I can't even tell you how many times I've read these books. They are my comfort food of books, when things aren't going right in my life I read these books.

2. Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Only read these if you like to read A LOT. Every book is thick and there will be 14 books when it done. Jordan really knows his craft, he has the most fully realized fantasy world with likable characters I've ever read. I am currently rereading it for the 4th? time. I read it first when I was a young teenager and then I kept rereading them as new books in the series came out because the plot was so complex I had to remind myself what was happening to follow all the tiny details. Then I got really tired of him taking so long to write new books so I took an eight year break. Now, the end is truly in site. The last book will come out October 2011 and rereading them makes me remember why I liked them so much in the first place. The fourth book is when the series really gets good, I mean really really good.

3.Ok, this is embarrassing, but I'll fess up to it I am a closet Stephanie Myers fan. I am blushing in embarrassment right now. I do NOT like the movies, but I do like the twilight books. I don't really like the characters even, although I like Edward more now that I read Edward's version of the story in the unfinished book Midnight Sun. Anyway, it's not the characters that draw me and the story is only good, not great, but the books are just so,... so, gosh darn readable. I can't put them down and then I want to read them again, it's crazy. I liked The Host too. I did like the main character in that one and thought the story was better too. I'm not as embarrassed about liking The Host.

Nonfiction Finance

1. One of my favorite finance authors is David Bach. He has a book for everyone but they seriously overlap in advice so don't expect totally new information if you read more than one. I like Smart Couples Finish Rich and The Automatic Millionaire best.

2. I love The Millionaire Next Door and The Millionaire Mind. They are just SUCH interesting books. They really make you understand the difference between living rich and being rich.

3. I recommend every couple read The Two Income Trap. It is a great book that explains why EVERYONE should have their fixed costs based on one income.

Cookbooks

1.The Joy of Cooking, apparently I need to get this new version. I have the 1997 version and still like it. I read it straight through when I was 17 and learned a TON about food in general along with how to cook it.

2. When I was a senior in high school I worked at a bookstore (shocking I know) and was in charge of special orders. That is where I was first introduced to Pam Anderson because someone ordered her cookbook, The Perfect Recipe. It was amazing, she goes through each recipe and tells you what she tried to make it perfect, what went wrong, what went right and how she ended up with the final recipe. So much information, so interesting, so AWESOME. I also have her How to Cook Without a Book and use it for all my stir fry and stir fry sauces, but it has lots of other great recipes too.

3. My interest in knowing WHY a recipe was good lead me to a love of the PBS cooking show America's Test Kitchen. They have a book of ALL their recipes and information about why they make them that way. I have yet to have a recipe from this book turn out bad.

I'd list other nonfiction, but I don't really read other nonfiction.

Kids Books

1. I'm a huge Dr. Seuss. I love The Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham and The Sneetches. The rhyming is just so addicting.

2. The Monster at the End of This Book has got to be one of the funnest read aloud books ever. If you like a little drama you will love this book.

3. The Very Hungary Caterpillar is a classic I love. My favorite part has always been turning the little pages of food that he eats.

I love lots of other books too, but this post is WAY to long already. I'm sure I will talk about books again.

Being Sick

Growing up I was a sickly kid. I was always out of school for some sickness, in elementary school I had constant strep throat till they took my tonsils out, then I had appendicitis and in between I had stuff mostly relating to asthma, allergies or some complication of them. Me and my sisters got some really weird stuff too just to make things interesting. I went to doctors' offices so often that I tested out of high school health with only one day of studying. All my prior studying of the many charts and models that the doctors always had in the examination rooms really paid off.

Anyway, most of the time I wasn't contagious, sometimes I didn't even have symptoms, I just "felt bad". My mom did what she thought was best and let me stay home from school and rest. I did not have the best school career socially speaking and often took advantage of that and acted worse than I felt just to avoid school. In high school, after my freshman year, I decided that I was missing out on life due to being so sick. I decided that being sick was not a good way to avoid things I'd rather not deal with, so I said I would not miss another day of school unless I was showing signs of contagion; throwing up, fever, green snot, that kind of stuff. And overall I stuck to that for the rest of high school.

In fact, I've tried to stick to that as a general rule, life shouldn't stop even if you are sick, unless you are contagious and then you should stay away from people for their own protection. It has been a hard thing to follow this past year since we've moved. As a family, we have been sicker this year than any other year. I don't know if it is the stress of moving, perhaps the house, since it wasn't new already had allergens, or maybe it was the crazy winter, most likely it's a combination of them all. I don't think we've gone more than a month since last July without someone being contagiously sick at our house and last month we all took turns every week. This week it is apparently my turn with a cough and sore throat. I am just plain tired of it. I want to live my life as a healthy person with healthy children and a healthy husband. There is nothing I can think of to do to help it though short of shutting us in a bubble. Of course that isn't exactly practical. I hate telling my kids I can't do something because I feel bad. It's even worse when the kids feel bad. It's just so, so...IRRITATING being sick all the time. I try to keep to our usual routine and believe me, I know how fortunate I am that no one is debilitating sick or truly chronically sick, I grew up with that. But I just wish that we'd get over all this and stay well for a few months together. Ok, gripe over.

**EDITED**

Just so you don't think I'm some sort of super lady (I'm far from it) who can do everything even when I'm sick, I only aspire to not putting my life on hold when sickness happens. My house is a MESS right now, my kids watch embarrassing amounts of tv every day and we've eaten fast food too many times to count this month. I'm really tired of that too.

A Dark Secret

I am embarrassed to admit this, but...I occasionally like to visit www.peopleofwalmart.com (go into photos and you will see what I am talking about). Some of it is funny, some is just sad and a lot of it is funny/sad, but I can usually find a photo to laugh at. Oh, and just to warn you, both the comments and photos are at least PG-13, this is not G rated stuff. Does this make me a bad person? Perhaps. But this site has taught me several life lessons...

1. Anyone over a size 4 should NEVER wear spandex unless at a gym and even then there are better options.

2. Hair longer than mid back is almost always a bad idea.

3. Women older than 18 should never wear jean shorts, men have a bit more leeway on this, but should keep said shorts at knee length.

4. If you and your significant other wear matching flannel pjs to the store, be prepared for people to laugh at you. (by the way, we do this every Christmas eve and I'm ok with people laughing)

5. Always make sure your clothing covers your bottom. (including making sure you are wearing pants/skirt with your shirt)

6. No adult looks good in neon colors.

Um, well, I proabably knew all that stuff already, but PeopleofWalmart has helped burn it into my memory.

My first confession

So, the URL of this blog is trueconfessionsofRachel. I tried to think of something witty, but many wittier people have come before me so I was stuck with this after remembering a book I read several times when I was a kid, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle and thought, while I am not nearly as cool as the main character nor will I be talking about a sea voyage, it'll do for a blog URL.

Anyway, I guess I should confess something, something good, something interesting. Hmmmmm...How about my greatest fear? That's nice and juicy right? Actually, it's kind of silly. It started with a dream, a dreadful dream that haunted me throughout the next month and still makes me feel like shuddering whenever I think about it. My greatest fear is...going back in time. (you can laugh now, it's ok, but let me explain) Not as my current self visiting my younger self, but as in waking up and being 16 and it being 1996 and I can remember the next 14 years, but I have to relive them.

That's not so bad you say. If fact, it could be pretty great. You could fix mistakes, you could make a fortune in the stock market or betting on sports teams if you remember those kinds of stats better, you could redesign your life with the end in mind. I too thought this at one point. This used to be a very engaging daydream that I enjoyed in my late teenage years. So what changed? I actually love the life I currently have, not there aren't bad days and down times, but overall it is great and if I went back in time I'm sure I would loose it. Meeting the love of your life has a lot to do with timing. And Juan falling in love with me probably had a lot to do with who I was back six years ago and I've changed since then and I would change more before I was able to meet him and so maybe we would not get married and if we did not get married our children would never even exist except in my memory. Going back in time would make me lose the three most important things in my life and not lose them in a way where you could hope to someday be reunited with them and be able to reminisce with others who remember them and look at photos of them. That would be bad enough and having one of them die is my second worst fear, but worse would be me and only me knowing what I had and never being able to get it back, ever. **shudder**

Honestly, I am amazingly lucky this is my worst fear.

This Blog

My other blog is a family blog and I've never felt very comfortable putting my feelings and opinions out there on it. I've tried to keep it pretty light and about the kids and some of my sewing projects. This will be more of a personal journal.

I've thought about doing a blog like this for a while, but always thought, who would want to read it? But then I like to read blogs with personal opinions and feelings and stuff. And really, I'll be writing it for me. If no one else reads it, I'll be ok with that. If someone else finds my fairly random ramblings interesting; great, I'm glad you find my writing entertaining. Really I've always wanted an entertaining personality where people want to be around you because you are so enjoyable. If you know me in real life you are possibly laughing at that, I am. I think I come across as pretty serious and quiet and rarely feel comfortable talking a lot although sometimes I do and then feel bad about hogging the converstion. But, hey, on my blog I'm the only conversationalist (although, please add a comment if you feel so inclined) so I can take all the space I want to say whatever I'm feeling like. I'm liking this personal journal blog idea more and more, hehehe.